The Internal Struggle
by LIFE the RANGER
Summary: Jude isn't entirely sure how he feels about Conner. He knows the taller boy is his best friend, but that's about it. He struggles with the feelings he doesn't know what to do with, all while trying to keep his friendship with Connor. All the while, Connor is also struggling with feelings he doesn't want to admit. Rated T for boy/boy and mild swearing. Jonnor!


I am back again, though this time I thought I'd give Jonnor a try. Why not? I love Jonnor. Who doesn't love Jonnor, in all honesty. And I have noticed that there is more fics about them, half are still rated M with sex and otherwise. I love cutesy fluff.

...

Jude couldn't help himself; he snuck another look at Connor. Ever since the taller boy had worn blue nail polish to make him feel better, he'd felt a strange tugging in his gut he couldn't explain. But the strange sensation left him feeling breathless and shaky. In a good way. So, during science, Jude would look at Connor just to see if he still had the same effect on the smaller boy. That would be a yes every time. Jude's insides would do little flips and kicks when he stared at his best friend, and a faint blush would paint his cheeks pink. If the taller boy noticed any of this, however, he didn't let on.

So of course Connor noticed all of this. He even noticed Jude looking at him now. But he didn't let on that he knew all of that. Frankly, he was still trying to wrap his mind around his own feelings for the smaller boy. Jude left him with this warm, fuzzy feeling, like his insides had been replaced with golden honey. He couldn't quite explain it. For years, he'd been trying to shovel that little worm of doubt back down his throat. It was the worm that told him that he wasn't straight; he never was. Of course he was straight! He'd had girlfriends before. Granted, only a couple, but girlfriends nonetheless. So why didn't that worm of doubt never go away.

There was no way Jude knew of Connor's internal battle, however. The taller boy didn't make such things known to him. He wasn't interested in sharing those thoughts and feelings. Yet. In due time, perhaps. But for now, the taller boy knew the smaller boy had a lot of shit to deal with without adding his own muddled feelings to the mix. Jude had his own internal struggle going on (which Connor knew nothing of, naturally). All in all, the two boys had a lot of steps to take.

"Hey Jude," Connor said, sidling up to his desk after class. The smaller boy looked up into kind, hazel eyes, and he felt a faint blush coloring his cheeks. Connor had that annoying effect on him.

"Hi Connor," he mumbled shyly, stuffing his science book in his bag. "What's up?" Connor ssimply smiled at him, and his stomach began to do a tap dance routine while his heart decided to show off how many flips it could do. He could've gladly melted on the spot, but he forced himself not to. "Need something?" he asked softly. Connor gave him an odd look.

"No," the taller boy replied, falling in step with the smaller boy. "It's just the end of the day, so I thought I could walk with you to your locker." A full minute passed while Jude tired to come up with an acceptable response. Honestly, what was he supposed to say? This wasn't in his script! Not that he'd put a lot of thought into this particular conversation. It just...never occured to him that he'd actually be speaking to Connor like this. He'd spoken to him before, of course. But what about this conversation made it so different?

"Cool," Jude said at last. Then he wanted to sink through the floor. Cool. That was the best he could come up with? Connor chuckled and shook his head. Jude was impossibly adorable. Why no one really wanted to be friends with this sweet, loveable boy, the taller boy would never know. But he was so glad he'd met Jude.

"Say, Jude," he began slowly as the smaller boy opened his locker. Jude's brown eyes sought his hazel eyes. "Wanna...I don't know...go catch a movie sometime?" The smaller boy bit his lower lip and looked away. Connor cursed under his breath. Had he just blown things with his best friend without actually admitting his feelings.

"I'd like that," Jude finally said, smiling. "Tomorrow?" Connor nodded vigorously and smiled, opening his arms like he expected a hug. Then he dropped them and grinned sheepishly.

"Sounds like a date, I mean plan!" he said, retreating quickly. Jude gazed over his shoulder and watched his best friend leave, feeling that odd tugging sensation returning. Did Connor really just call their outing at the movies a date?

...

"Aw Jude, you look nice," Mariana said as Jude entered her room. It was the day after his conversation with Connor, aka "date" night (if this even was a date). Jude had on a little gray suit and a blue tie.

"Thanks Mariana," he said, sitting down on the edge of her bed and holding out his hands. "Can you paint my nails please? I wanna look nice when we go to pick up Connor." Mariana smiled knowingly and got to work. Jude watched her quietly, smiling from time to time. He loved having his nails painted, even if it did bring out some teasing from his male classmates. But his foster moms told him that was what made him so special. He didn't believe they were talking about just the nail polish.

"There," his foster sister said with a flourish, swiping the brush away. All of Jude's fingernails were now bright blue, and he smiled at them. "You look good Jude. Connor's lucky."

"Lucky?" Jude asked, tilting his head to the side. He wasn't entirely sure what she meant. Was he lucky just to meet him, or something else? Because if it was the "something else," he didn't think he was ready for that.

"Oh, you'll see," Mariana said with another knowing smile, rubbing his arm. Jude left, feeling more confused than ever. Why was Connor lucky? Sure, Jude proved to be a good friend. He was never mean to anyone back, even when they deserved it. He was shy and reserved and someone unlike anyone else at Anchor Beach. Was that why Connor was so lucky? Because he'd found a different sort of friend in Jude?

"Don't you look handsome," Lena commented as she and Jude went out to the car. Lena would be driving both boys to the movies. Jude slid in behind the drivers seat and tapped his painted fingers against the seat nervously. Lena said nothing else, mostly because she didn't know what to say to the boy. She had a sneaking suspicion that Jude thought of Connor as more than a friend, but if he wasn't ready to tell them about it yet, he wasn't ready. In due time, she was sure that he would tell them. "Hello Connor," she said as the taller thirteen-year-old slid into the seat beside Jude.

"Hello," Connor said, gazing at Jude. His mouth dropped open and Jude smiled shyly, moving his hand so it was resting agaisnt the taller boy's leg. Lena caught sight of this in the rearview mirror, but she said nothing. This was a private moment for the boys. "Jude, you look..." The words stuck in Connor's throat before he could say them. A thousand emotions flickered across the smaller boy's face, most being disappointment. "You look great," he said at last. The smaller boy gave him a hesitant smile.

"Thank you," he said to the taller boy. Lena parked the car in front of the theater and let the two boys out. "See you in two hours," Jude said as they climbed out. "Hey, we never did decide on what to see," he said to Connor.

"Hmm," Connor said, gazing at the movie posters. "What do you want to see Jude?" he asked, turning to the smaller boy. His hand brushed accidently against Jude's as he turned. He turned beet red and glanced away. Not now, confused feelings. Go away, internal struggle. Connor forced down the warmth spreading through his system and turned to the posters again.

"Nothing scary," Jude replied quietly, looking at all the posters. The boys were standing side by side, and it was all Connor could do to not take Jude's hand in his own. "Comedy?" he asked.

"Sure," Connor replied, steering the smaller boy over to the ticket counter. They got their tickets, got the popcorn and candy, and sat down in the middle of the theater. Connor balanced the bucket of popcorn on his knee while he and Jude opened their candy. He got Lifesavers Gummies and Jude got Reeses. But Jude didn't appear to be interested in eating anything. "You okay?" the taller boy asked softly as the lights dimmed.

"Yes," the smaller boy replied, though it was a lie, and the taller boy knew it. What he didn't know was Jude's stomach was rolling with excitement and fright, and he was afraid if he ate anything, it would all come back up. But his stomach decided to be a bitch and gave an unhelpful gurgle, showing exactly how hungry he was. "Maybe just some popcorn..." he mumbed, dipping his hand into the bucket. But rather than grabbing a handful of popcorn, he got Connor's fingers. "Oh," he exclaimed, yanking his hand back. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Connor mumbled, still marveling at the feel of Jude's hand in his. How come he hadn't thought of that? And how come he didn't have the courage to do it himself? Jude's hand was right there! All he had to do was reach out and take it. But something made him hesitate. _I'm straight!_ Connor yelled at himself. I'm straight dammit! _I don't like him like that!_ But every time he looked at Jude, his heart decided it had a different idea than his head. His heart gave a little flutter and he felt warm and happy all over.

...

"That was fun," Connor said as Lena dropped them off at his house. Jude walked him up to the door like a little gentleman, and underneath the yellow porch light, they turned to face each other. "I had a really great time tonight Jude," Connor continued, reaching out and taking the smaller boy's hands in his own. "Do you think we could do it again?"

"Of course," Jude replied automatically. "I would love that. And Connor?" He paused for just a brief moment. "You look good." Connor looked down at his dark jeans and simple button down. Compared to Jude, he looked ordinary. But then again, Jude was always the special one.

"Hey, you painted your nails again," Connor said in surprise, finally catching a glimpse of the nail polish Jude liked to wear. "Looks good." He showed his own hands and, sure enough, blue nail polish. A big grin lit up Jude's face.

"We match," he said. "Hey, thanks for being my friend."

"No problem," Connor replied as Jude sprinted down his drive way. He sank against his front door and smiled to the porch cover. He liked Jude. He'd admit that. But he wasn't sure what kind of like it actually was. Maybe in time he'd figure it out. For now, it was just another internal struggle.

...

So I have no idea how well this is. We'll have to see. I know there's a lot of Jonnor fans out there, so you'll have to tell me how I did.


End file.
